he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
