why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
