He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
