Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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