We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize