I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
