Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
