somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
