Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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