genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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