So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The adults are the big ones right?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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