That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
