My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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