Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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