Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize