We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
