there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So squirting runs in the family.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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