i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
