I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
