There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My liver just had a heart attack.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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