I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
