Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
