I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
