Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
