Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
