Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Green mimosas i think yes
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
