in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
