I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
