I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
