Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
