one might say we're banned from that church
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
