nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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