you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
