My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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