Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
