I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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