I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
