i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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