me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
