she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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