Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
