Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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