I can text with my tongue
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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