Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
