I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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