Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Hippo gnu deer
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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