I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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