Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
