Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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