Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
