Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
