Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
