i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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