Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
