i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I AM VODKA MAN
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
