So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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