Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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