here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
