It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
