Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
