the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
