I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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