The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize